I find myself, not jealous, but envious of other people's successes. I don't want them and their lives to be diminished in any way, but I do want what I see to be added to my days. I go to Mass alone, and see the families gathered. I go to the market, and I see husbands and wives, parents and children, friends, shopping together. I end up feeling: God, where do I misstep? Am I not strong enough, not right enough for Your work?
I feel like a slotted screwdriver in God's hand, trying to drive a phillips head screw, or worse, trying to find purchase on a hex-head bolt.
Then Heaven sends me messages to stop seeing with human eyes. My strength is an illusion; it is God's strength that flows in me. I have only weakness to offer. When some good thing happens and I am a part of it, it's me as tool, God as do-er.
I broke a 2kg sledge yesterday busting concrete to no effect-- other than breaking the sledge. I went and bought a bigger 4kg sledge and made short work of the concrete. Hours I had spent with the tiny tool, and minutes with the large one. I often feel like a tiny tool in God's hands. I often get very down about that. I want to be one of His big tools. Would I remember to always give the glory back to Him? In my deepest heart, I would rather be a tiny tool that did its job really well and knew that the strength and action came from above, than a powerful tool that mistakenly assigned its success to its own self.
God, if you are going to give me hard things to do, then please, please support me and don't withhold Your strength, either.
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