How much is safe to write in this public forum? What can I put here, that is authentic yet opens doors for the future? How do I burn fences, not bridges?
This might be enough: I had, on Friday the 4th of January, what I suppose would be termed a nervous breakdown. Not a panic attack (I didn't feel panicked), but rather the completye dissolution of my capacity to carry the tasks of my life. And perhaps, this little bit more: I'm pretty darn fragile right now, or maybe more like a reed or a stalk of seaweed. I feel the currents of everyone's needs and tasks flowing around me, but I don't have the capacity to pick them up.
The precipitating events, I think, are that many of my really difficult goals are met or nearly so. To get here, I've pulled out all the stops, believed mightily, received daily miracles (thank you, God!) and spent energy as fast as it came in.
I'm pretty unbalanced.
The scales tipped, the banknote on my spirit came due, and I paid it. I've been trying for months to build up a position of strength for when the piper came calling, but in the end, I experienced this earthquake from complete submission. All the beliefs and tasks and habits that are-- and aren't-- "me" lay about my feet. I have no interest in picking up anything that isn't mine. Even from here, from this place of profound nakedness, I have a little bit of ability to design what the next stage of my life will look like. For example, I've done a poor job of keeping my commitments to my clients. So I've enrolled a colleague who is really good at that to assist me.
I am so thankful for my network of friends, who are doctors or coaches or just good people, and especially my wife, all who are gently guiding me through this.