Filter

I wrote the following back on 1/25, but didn't want to come back out yet. So here it is now.

It is quiet, here.

I notice that I'm able to hear myself, better. What energizes me, what drains me? My examples are small, and easy for me to understand:

Liz says, "I want a movie, something current, fun, and sweet." The idea of a movie feels energizing. I imagine watching a movie with Xena.

"I like that idea. Xena often says she wants exactly that kind of movie. Let's get a movie after we wash the dinner dishes," I say.

"I wanna come, too!" says Nick. "I can help you decide what movie to get."

Suddenly there's a cascade of feelings, energies, and ideas in me. I feel Nick should get out of the house. He's been catching up on schoolwork, and deserves a break. But I feel some static, some resistance, to having him along. I trace it through, and realize I don't want his input on a movie for me and my wife.

"I'd love to have you along, but I don't want your opinions on a movie."

"I know what Mom likes."

"That could be true, but if you come with us, I don't want your input. I want to be in the video store with a minimum number of distractions. Having you there would be fun, but having to filter out what you say would drain me."

"I just want a little vacation. You know what those are? You take a break so you can get back to work?" Nick says.

"Sure. You should have a break," I say. "So come along, but let me pick a movie by myself."

Which is what happened. A month or two ago, I wouldn't have even considered that filtering his noise took effort to do. I'd have simply sucked it up. Standing up for myself like this is new to me.