...but one of the most painful and liberating ideas I ever had is that as a matter of fact, I can always get what I want... and in fact, I DO always get what I want.
I don't mean I get my way; there's no heal-pounding tantrum, nor am I negotiating with God. I mean my biggest realization is that I've always lived exactly what I expected to be living. If my life sucked, it was because my idea for my life wasn't good for me.
I blogged a few months back about realizing that I was already living my intention. I'm presently, today, having the life I'm living today, becuase this is what I think my life is like. If you've seen the movie The Secret, you know what I'm talking about: when you put out in the world how crabby getting stuck in traffic makes you, the Universe answers, "Ok, you want to be crabby and stuck in traffic, then you shall have that."
Someone who is having a crappy life, doesn't want to know that they are choosing it. They want it to be someone else's "fault," often going to great lengths to find people to blame their adventures on. If they have a high IQ, they can probably find lots of reasons why their "hardships" are someone else's responsibility. They don't wnat to know that they could change their lives by accepting responsibility for what they are going through; I'll tell you what, that a really painful admission. Or at least, it was painful for me.
Okay, so what do I want? I still have to work backyards, from what I'm getting, to see my inner truth, most of the time. Working backwards, I see that I want to have cool friends that I don't see often enough, that I want a near-zero bank balance, and that I want learning to share my demonstration project to be filled with obstacles. The bank balance self conversation goes like this:
"Dang, I won't have enough money to buy groceries after I pay the insurance and put gas in the tank and Xena pays her tuition."
And Hey Presto! I get just enough work invoiced and paid so that I in fact, have no money for groceries.
Getting comfortable and familiar with this has already helped me to release some of my nuttier ideas about getting the demonstration project built. I'm still holding on to the idea that it has to be an example of something a non-affluent person can do. We'll see how long that lasts. Sustainability seems to have an expensive buy-in.