Red Shoulder Hawk

Red Shoulder Hawk

Monday, July 24, 2006

The sparrow comes home (again)

"Bob, we need to talk."

I find it interesting that I do hear the final word in italics. It's a clear signal that an emotionally charged conversation is waiting for me a few minutes in the future.

Xena and Drea said: "We need to talk."

So I listened to the concerns about how slowly the house is coming along. I didn't feel ambushed. I felt glad that they were able to let me know how they felt. Xena, especially. She did acknowledge that she hasn't been around to do any helping, and she held her tongue about how even six months ago she warned me she wasn't going to have time to help.

It all rang pretty hollow for me. While I'm certainly not operating at full passion in any one area of my life, I still do see the great amounts of things that are getting done, however, and the rewards they yield. Caitlan settled right down as soon as her room got its wall, and she painted colors she chose, and she put up her shelves and got her furniture moved in. Nicholas settled down as soon as his room passed about 80% completion, too.

So I get to see all these incremental befores and afters. Xena has blocked most of the "before," I think as a defense against how much there is to do. As an example of how much she's not seeing, she didn't notice that I'd begun tearing out an exterior wall to put in a new door!

All of which leads me to:

I took Saturday morning to go to the East Bay EV meeting. We showed off three Sparrows at once. Amanda came over, from the peninsula, and I met her in real life for the first time! She's the only blogger I've met on the internet before meeting in person. It's weird, to see someone for the first time and know them already... perhaps, more intimately than if we'd met in a class or a seminar and swapped stories. I really enjoyed hearing her voice and speech pattern. It's got a real musical quality.

I drove my Sparrow home for the first time, and bought the wiring needed to plug it into the house. This morning I wired it all up and plugged the car in-- and a wave of relief and satisfaction washed over me. A hole in my soul I didn't know I was living with, filled in.

Suddenly, I realized exactly what Xena was telling me.

My own opacity about the lack of complete projects became clarity. My "one foot in front of the other" willpower, holding shut the door of frustration within my own heart, lost its footing and the door swung open. I don't know what to do with my new perception. It didn't magically give me any more hours in the day. It's still going to take time to get things done, and I would guess at this moment that things will still sort of creep along.

But perhaps my new perception will enable me to find ways to include Xena in the discussion about what is, so that we can plan together for what will be.

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