Red Shoulder Hawk

Red Shoulder Hawk

Friday, April 21, 2006

What you want, you already have.

It is time.

There's one more task I could perform, in regards to buying this house. I could go to the city of Oakland and learn what the real hurdles would be to get its use changed from a duplex to a triplex. The information wouldn't change what I must do, but I would gain another bit of familiarity with a very unfamiliar process.

It is time, to let it go.

I kidnapped Xena from work last night and took her to dinner. I am still in my adventerous spirit. She is not. Or rather, let me back up a little...

All I ever see of my wife is the defeated, beaten soul who gets no satisfaction from anything. I here about her defeats at work, at school, and in her own demands of herself. Yet, she made the Dean's list again, and they keep piling on more and more work for her to learn how to do and then "delegate" to non-existent personnel. My home purchase is to be an exploration of sustainability, which includes having the space to slow down and re-attach to our true natures. So, you see, a primary motivation was to create or be welcomed into community so my wife could recover from being defeated, a place where she could "finish" the race, and receive the gold medal for her daily doings.

Then, two days ago, I dropped in on her unexpectedly, children in tow, after picking them up at the train station. I saw her as I used to know her:

Xena the Warrior.

She strode across the lobby, erect, potent, passionate, beautiful. She didn't see me. She had her entire self focussed on whatever her goal of the moment was. Her intensity and power stunned me all over again: here was the woman I fell in love with! This confident, dynamic creature! She doesn't need me to buy her a house. She's vibrantly alive in the thick of being the underdog hero at her job!

I became jealous.

I see it now, but then, what I thought was: How dare she reserve this part of her for work! Her family needs this! I need this! I called her up, and seething, I failed to hold my tongue: "You have to make a choice. You are giving your job the best of you, and we get almost nothing. We see you for 10 minutes at a time, twice a day. You have to choose, your job or your family."


Fast forward to last night. I picked up the defeated woman, and took her to dinner. As I told, I was ready to try Ethiopian food for the first time, but I realized she'd be more revitalized if I stuck with what is familiar. We went to a wonderful place called Fillipo's, and both our dinners came with Gorgonzola Sauce (though mine was over penne, and hers over steak). We had a nice long talk. I didn't quite start by apologizing, but I did get it out in my second paragraph. Sometimes I'm slow, even after clarity. We talked about as many aspects of our lives and the recent past and the near future as we could squeeze in to two hours. She began to look a little more whole by the time she'd eaten and spoken. Then I took her back to Dannielle's and she slept for two hours before getting up to go back to work. She has a deadline that had to get pushed aside for the other deadline which got pushed aside for the other deadline, and she was trying to meet it by 9am today.

I don't know if she made it. But I do know, it's time for me to re-stabilize my family and celebrate it just as it is. It's time to let go of buying this house.

No comments:

Post a Comment