It's nearly exactly a year since Denise committed suicide, and It was my turn yesterday to speak in front of our business referral group. Rather than follow the program of educating my teammates about my business, I thought I'd share the changes I've put myself through since then: how I've let go of always being the hero/rescuer, how I've risked showing up not my best, how I've worked to make my relationships stronger so I can call on people when I'm trapping myself in a downward spiral.
I wanted to be witnessed by my fellow entrepreneurs, many of whom have familiarity with this struggle. So I got real, really real, for 10 minutes. I bent a rule: I followed my heart instead of the program. Not one person had a problem with that.
One of my friends shared with me: "I know exactly what you're talking about!"
"Yes! I struggle with this myself! I expect myself to be the hero/rescuer, the Christ, for everyone else. In the Bible, it says 'It is better to give than to receive,' and I've always had that be a one-directional thing. I give, other people receive. But then, when do I let them give to me? It's wrong for me to deprive them of the gift of giving! Do you know what I mean?"
Yes, I do.
My friend Rebecca called me up. "It's what artists are for," she said.
"What are artists for?"
"Artists take the structure, and stretch it. We add richness. We challenge. In all the time I've been coming to our weekly meetings, I don't think anyone has ever used that time to get vulnerable like you did. You've really changed the structure."
What I know is afterwards, I spent all day in a very holy place of connection to Spirit. My Guru writes about the enlightenment process, and one of the early steps is that for a few hours, the true seeker abides in God's Will. It goes away if the body temple isn't strong enough to sustain it, but it's a good sign nevertheless.
That's where being real yesterday morning left me: for a time, I was perfectly being me. I committed no sin for a day. This morning I woke up sore; I know my body's not quite ready for full self-realization.
I'm close though, Lord. Thank you for your continued gifts of grace and growth and community. Amen.