Red Shoulder Hawk

Red Shoulder Hawk

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

That first domino

I can trace the roots of my Cultural Creatives Awakening to this car. Trapped in traffic, watching people drive into each other at 3 miles per hour and then gun their engines at each other, I saw where I was headed. I did something about it. I began a years-long performance piece, "Drive with Grace." I became the most courteous driver on the road. And I helped transform the driving experience.

I learned a lot along the way, and I'm both closer and further from my goals. My goals have gotten larger, for one thing, but for another, I've been living in both the world of consumerism and the world of sustainability. Here's what I mean:

I can't afford to repair Grace. I tried a couple of times, spent some money, but the mechanic couldn't really isolate the trouble. So she's been parked for two years, while I work to feel secure enough to take care of her. Finally now, I can see that she's become a constipation, and it's time to let her go. I figured I'd clean her out, take a last picture, get the family in one last time and tell our favorite memories, and then call the scrapyard. Simple plan, except...

I can't find batteries for the camera. Someone has made off with all the rechargeable batteries. No big deal, but I really need this, for closure. So now I have to add buying batteries to getting some Martinelli's, and oh yeah new bags for the vacuum cleaner (type 'C', I couldn't find them anywhere over the weekend), and detergent for the dishwasher... Suddenly I'm faced with all the half-finished jobs from all over the house, just because I tried to track down a pair of batteries.

I recognize what I need. I can make letting go of the car be a good experience, honoring my carrying capacity. But one small constriction from the world of consumption turns it impossible, and then all the impossibilities rear up, showing me where my desire to live within my capacity is overwhelmed by the real world factors of the choices of my past.

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